yay skyblog ^_^

ah. i'm hoping this will order my thoughts before it gets too late, so i can actually do something tonight. i'm tired though, which i can't justify. today was good though, i loved all the bitching as it just helps release my stress, though for every one i get rid of i seem to find another. though it's fine, it'll all work out in the end. i've put all my faith in that statement, ah. anyways the bitching wasn't how today was supposed to go, really, but whatever. french films are a yay, i've started my overeating-in-times-of-stress but i wasn't as bad as i usually am, it was sort of.. normal levels of overeating today :P
LOL at what's going on tomorrow. i'm hopefully going for a library lock-in tomorrow which is good, as i'll prolly get more work done that way. but THEN, at five, we're off to venture to get some family picture taken which, frankly, is hilarious. it's completely free else we wouldn't be doing it (see sometimes those questionnaire people on the street do good deeds too) but omg, the woman rang up today apparently and asked us to bring PROPS, this is gonna be hilarious. so, i might have to get drunk beforehand. though that's also the plan for tomorrow night. i drink in times of stress - actually just all the time but whatever - so yeah, and lindz might come to drink away the annoyance of university offers, and sophie and elle and squidge and amo+co, so it should be good. just lol at the photo thing basically.
oh nick brickett. his facebook status was 'wonders when muslims are gonna stop trying to blow us up' and he's deleted it, i challenged him three times and he deleted the comment every time. WANKER. i need to start planning my letter to the paper about michael fabricunt inciting racial hatred, that can be a weekend plan (as i'll have hours and hours of free time, obv).
ah words by ryan adams came on, from elizabethtown. i should watch that again sometime soon. that film makes me happy ^_^
if everything you want is something you couldn't have
go outside a while, look up and count the clouds
can you draw a picture of the backyard of the house?
you grew up thinking you remembered how to smile
don't worry up your mind
people are sick and mean sometimes
they're only words
if everybody's grateful, how come nobody's satisfied?
if a tree falls in the woods and there ain't no one around..
if you're hurting, you could go over and whittle out a wishing box
you could write her name on something and put it inside
don't worry up your mind
it doesn't make that much sense to me but it has nice imagery and a calm kinda happy little tune to it, so joy.
sigh. i might go read some more of the bell jar. it's so easy to read, i might even finish it tonight, if i actually read lol. i'm not really sure what work to do though. french? i just need to finish it, why is it taking me so long?! ah i'll figure that out later. i'll find something deeper to write about later.
yellow by coldplay just came on. i like it when songs like that come on that i haven't listened to in ages, that are just good songs that generally people like that i'd sort of forgotten about. now THAT wouldn't be a bad funeral song, seeing how much i like yellow :P
http://flickr.com/photos/romanlily/4239113/ - that makes me want to start a diary. i'm almost certain i have a nice notebook somewhere hidden away that i've never used that i could start. i might give it a go.
but yeah, i'll go. hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow after a bit of a drink and a dance and some work out the way. i'm listening to colours of the wind, that ALWAYS HELPS <3 laters.

i'm listening to the penguin cafe orchestra who may be the finest bunch of musicians to ever grace the earth, how i love them. i was raised on this music, it's FUCKING A. i got really stressed earlier and just danced around to the best song ever, rediscovered it, 'from the colonies' and it seemed a little better, though that feeling ended with the song. today has been an incredibly stressful day. well the evening really, i was asleep in the morning and my mum came home in the afternoon which was pleasant, then at like nine squidge rang me and panicked me, though that wasn't her fault seeing as she just said i needed to work and i do, so yeah. i did like three paragraphs of french coursework and i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon. spanish speaking exam two weeks tomorrow *slits wrists*
french day tomorrow! how exciting, i like our french class minus fritha and lisa and catherine, ie. i like elle lindz and sophie lol, which is fun. it'll be ace.
i'm gonna have a library day with squidge (and anyone else who wants to join lol) on friday and just get some stuff done, like sociology c/work - LOL i'd forgotten i had that. so that should be good. it WILL work out in the end, it's just gonna suck A LOT until mid-june, basically. i have no clue how to manage my stress, that's my main problem. it's true that i work better under pressure but not under stress, so it just needs to go away. i eat LOADS as well and then throw it up most of them time just cause that's what happens, and i really don't sleep or anything, it just isn't healthy. so i need to keep on top of it lol but hoooowwww?!
i wish i'd heard from sodding durham, that'd be one less thing to think about.
oh this isn't good, not at all.
the bell jar's good though, very readable, so i might go and do that and stop thinking for a while. i should get up early tomorrow and go and walk and order my thoughts and such. and WORK, before going to elle's. i should, i obviously won't. ARRRGHHHH.
oh there's nothing to say, basically i'm stressed out of my head. i might take a bath tomorrow, i hear that helps. from the neurotic main character in the bell jar. nice. i should obv. follow THAT advice. but i might, plus something to tick off 43things, which is always a plus.
on ne va pas gâcher le présent par de l'avenir - i keep saying it and it slightly calms me. so it's okay.
night.

So don't take your freedom for granted
Don't let curiosity take you for a ride
As years drag on when you wake up next to her
You'll wish that in your sleep you had died
You'll wish you had died
ah nothing much to say really but i'm a blogging addict so y'know. today was inefficient but my sleeping patterns are a little better, i'm going to bed after i write this so it'll be okay. then tomorrow morning i'm going to the library and finishing my french before my mum gets home, then dunno what. i'll be efficient though. i watched skins and since then i've just been panicking about my exams, ESPECIALLY spanish speaking - why did they have to do that one on the show?!
though earlier i did think about the frenchness i want tattooed on me and it calmed me. it might work. plus i do want to recognise the summer of being 18 as it'll be awesome with NO EXAMS etc ^_^ - all singing gonna stay eighteeen foreveerrrr, so we can stay like thiis foreveerrrrr, and we'll neverrr miiiiss a paaartyyy cause we keeep theeem gooooing cooonstantlyyyy, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS CAUSE WE'RE YOUNG AND IN LOVE etc etc etc. so yeah. i shall.
i'm reading the bell jar at the moment, it's good. it doesn't seem that it's going to emotionally rip me apart anyway, it's just interesting, so it's fine.
today was PROPER summery, all it did was make me wish i had money for the summer and didn't have exams. so i shall seek employment and sort it all out, yes yes.
nothing else to say really. laters.

when i see you, i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around
if you feel discouraged, there's a lack of colour here
please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything, the spectrums a to z
this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years
all the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone to call at seven-oh-three
and on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home
but i know it's too late, i should have given you a reason to stay



ah. so my lack of msn/facebook/skyblog/myspace failed spectacularly. but i don't care lol, whatever, it'll work out.
i'm forever coming to conclusions about my life in the early hours of the morning, about how i have to sort it out cause it's getting so messy, and how i'm going to get up and take advantage of the time i have and be productive and alive and happy, and then i never do any of it. i mean i seem happy enough so it isn't a problem but i feel all over the place at the moment, AND i'm on holiday so who knows what i'll be like when we go back to school, which is always the part that breaks me. it seems i'm quite stressed out without fully realising all the time, but it's there. not to the point where i've bitten all my nails off and stopped remembering my dreams, or at the point where i eat loads of sugary foods and throw it up again, so i have a way to go, but it's only 2 months til the start of june and by then i'll have two speaking exams out the way - WHICH i'm not prepared for and they're weeks away and about to start my others. oh dear.
god knows how i'm wide awake at four o'clock, like i was at half five yesterday morning and how i am most days.
so i read man and boy and i don't think it was good for me. it's made me worried about being bitter - i'm sure i wrote about bitterness a few articles back, hmm - and made me almost lose my faith in all men, all over again. it's funny how easy it is for that to happen, and i don't know WHY, nothing majorly bad has happened to me involving men. i'm unjustified in this mistrust, really, but it's still there so what am i to do with it?
death cab for cutie are making me uneasy, how odd.
i started reading fictions by borges, it's killing my brain so i'm gonna skip some of it to the bit about the man who can't forget anything. but i don't hold out much hope really, so it's slaughterhouse five next. i'm going to have to finish dubliners at some point, and l'étranger lol but it's fine, there's time.
i watched a lovely show about provence today, i want to live there and be peaceful with white tablecloths and a circular window that might have stained glass in, and a pantry and proper sunsets you can see in fields. i love fields. it would be warm as well, i wouldn't miss february grey. i think i'll do that anyway.
so i'm going to go to oxfam tomorrow, i really am. that's seven weeks i've missed, ah dear. but i'll redeem myself. then to the library, i feel like passing a few hours in there so i might take my french and be done with it. or revise, or something, anything really as i've enough to choose between.
oh my god i'm so awake. i could get some work done :-O but i don't seem in the right mindset, hm. what could i do that's trivial? ooh i could sort out my wardrobe! and tidy in general! ooh i might do that yeahhh. i figure if i sleep on my floor tonight i'll get up easy, so that will work hopefully.
I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will. i'm gonna have to get the bell jar out the library, the one book my dad doesn't have. ALTHOUGH, if i'm not all that emotionally stable at the moment, is it wise?
I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.
that said, i don't know what books are calming enough or happy enough for me to read. maybe on the road?
They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'. i'll always find a quotation from a book i've read or am about to read. okay maybe on the road it is, that seems .. youthful. ah i'm liking these quotations. it's okay to look for them though i haven't read it as i already know what it's about anyway, that's my reasoning.
okay i've rambled a while. i'm going to go and tidy and hopefully get tired. i find myself not in a good mood, this blog hasn't helped my state of mind. ah well. soon.
oh i just saw a post-it on flickr saying - there is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do. and i assume that's people with good nothing to do, rather than nothing time wasting nothing. damn.
ANYWAY.

so, blogging seems a good idea as i'm to give up msn/myspace/facebook/skyblog for some indefinite period of time. which is fun, i'm sorta sure we won't last long but hopefully i'll be productive without a computer.
so i shall add letters to my list, of the post-y kind, for that shall be my substitute means of communication ^_^
not a LOT to say lol. today was hugely unproductive but i'm about to finish catch-22 so that's fun. town tomorrow for CURLY FRIES <3<3<3 so my life's good.
i had pink mashed potato today, like back in the day. good times. i'm vegetable deprived, there aren't any in the house lol, I DON'T LIKE LIVING WITH BOYS. but it's got a bit better so whatever lol.
so i'll go. walk out the door. etc etc. i'll blog when i'm back lol, WHO KNOWS WHEN. laters!